


Pink Panties/ creep

by Boysnextdoor, Zigzagwanderer



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Sex, Angry Kylo Ren, Awkward Boners, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkwardness, Blow Jobs, Boot Licking (mentions of), Come Shot, Denial, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Double Testicular Toe Stimulation, Gymnastics, Horny Kylo Ren (is this tag even necessary?), Hux's Surprisingly Hefty Cock, Jealousy, Kylo Ren Has Many Secrets, Kylo Ren Is More Complex Than People Think, Lingerie, Lots of talk about dicks, Love Confessions, M/M, Massage, Masturbation, Mentions of Mountain Dew, Poor Ronnie/Lucky Ronnie, Rodeo Metaphors, Ronnie Gets To Clean Up His Own Mess, Strip Tease, Teasing, Top Kylo Ren, Tumblr: kyluxhardkinks, Underwear, Underwear Kink, Undressing, With A Difference, cocks, first order munitions, jokes about a garbage chute, kylo jerks off in the silencer, kylo ren monster cock, mitaka - Freeform, romantic dinners
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-01 18:01:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20358895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boysnextdoor/pseuds/Boysnextdoor, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zigzagwanderer/pseuds/Zigzagwanderer
Summary: Prompt from Kylux Hard Kinks: Hux's trousers rip at the back but he doesn't notice, too busy with the ongoing fight, and Kylo can't help staring at the sliver of bright pink lace and milky white skin visible through the gap, fantasizing about reaching out and sliding his fingers under the rough material of Hux's jodhpurs, checking if Hux has put on a pair of stockings to match the panties, or a cute bralette or a corset to complete the look...Collab with zigzagwanderer. so if my grammar is better than usual thats whyPlus we're both comment sluts, and will reply !!!!





	1. Sexy Sonar and Affirmation Podcasts

**Author's Note:**

> we did not come up with a title for this fic. I named it what i would usually name it (pink panties). I also named it what zigzag would probably name it (a radiohead song)  
This fic takes a pretty immediate left turn from the prompt its all smut and dicks and stuff 
> 
> There are more chapters. i am not exaggerating

“What the bloody hell are you staring at, Ren?"

Hux is sweating in the Officer's gymnasium, although Ren can tell he’s trying not to, the prissy fuck. 

Ren closes his mouth. He is still, technically, staring, because that’s the eyes, right?

But this Hux wasn’t real, so, whatever.

Ren had woken up hard, again. Like, distractingly so.

Was this a literal kriffing joke?

He had rolled over onto his stomach in frustration. As he groaned into his pillow, he felt his cock push rudely against the mattress. It felt so, so good and it would be so easy to just roll his hips a little more- and, you know. 

Ren felt the heat of the blankets. He felt sweat start to bead on his skin. He wanted to take off his undershirt. Ren moved his hands slowly down his body and pulled the shirt over his head, holoporn style. As he did so he felt his cock push into the mattress, trying to attract his attention again.

Stars, it felt so kriffing good. He rolled his hips just to check it was that good every time. And yes, it was.

He felt the growing pressure in his groin.

But as a force user Ren was determined to prove that he was better than that. He was in control of his body and had no need for - uh- how did the sacred texts put it? Desires of the flesh. 

His boner throbbed against him and Ren decided to reclaim dominance over his body. He took some deep breaths, listened to his daily affirmation podcast, and headed for the gym determined to beat the fuck out of a couple combat droids Hux didn’t need to know about. 

Oh, yeah. Looking spooky scary in his cape walking down the hall to the real Officers gym. A couple stormtroopers actually jumped out of his way. A Lieutenant ducked into a nearby corridor. Good! 

Ren tried to stay present. Entering the locker room and changing while not thinking about that holovideo he accidentally watched with the dude getting railed in the locker room. 

(It was so an accident. The caption made it seem like it would be a funny viral video with like- dancing? But instead it was this thin red headed guy getting- well, use your imagination.)

Ren had kept watching, just in case. Just in case there was like something he needed to see. The guy in the video was making these noises from the exertion of being plowed in so many positions. His dick was so cute, the way it stuck out while he was being fucked was just begging for someone to come along and-.

He walked right into the gym and saw General gotdamn kriffing Hux sweating into a regulation training uniform that literally stuck to his skin. No joke, you could see two peaked nipples. Ren didn’t think Hux even had nipples! But now it was all he could think about. 

(Hux had a body that was weirdly cute. It would look great pressed up against a wall in the locker room. Why was he just now noticing this?)

Hux’s skin flushed. Beads of sweat rolled down his temples. He scolded Ren and goddamit if it didn’t make him a little hard. Ren pulled at the crotch of his pants, and his hand grazed the tip of his hardening cock. Fuck.

“So, it’s true what they say about you,” Hux grimaced, having swung off from the horizontal bars casually, that is to say via a triple back salto. “You do actually work out in your cape.”

Hux did the sneering thing with his face to belittle Ren, obviously, and to cover the fact that he’d actually twisted his ankle doing the most stupidly bloody impressive dismount he knows.

Ren, of course, instantly responded to the barb by flushing a meaty, post-coital red, and stripping off everything but his skimpy loincloth.

Hux groaned internally at what was on display. He decided to hit the floor to complete his warm-down stretches.

“I didn’t know you did gymnastics, General.” The all-but naked knight loped over, just standing there, and Hux cursed the fact that his aesthetic happens to be perfectly sculpted gangly idiots. With soulful eyes and an eminently fuckable mouth.

“You must be…” Ren swallowed oddly, “…uh…pretty flexible?”

“How else did you think I kill between 6 to 12 rebel scum at a time with a single blaster shot, if not by doing backflips?” Hux said through gritted teeth, so as not to inhale any more of Ren’s odour than was necessary.

Talk about an olfactory kink; Hux’s co-commander smelled almost constantly of the inside of a leather glove, which had just about everything right there that Hux desired out of life; Honour. Discipline.

And 'Things he can Push Parts of his Body Into that are a Really, Really Tight Fit.'

“Thought that was, you know, because you’re a mean asshole.” Ren mutters, and Hux cannot for the life of him work out why the dark lord doesn’t just piss off, since every time Hux looks at him he’s staring anywhere but at Hux himself.

“Oh, thanks. Meanness is one of the virtues,” Hux says, surprised at such flattery, and touches his toes for effect.

Forgetting that he has quite the erection. Forgetting that his own attire is deplorably shoddy First Order regulation kit, hardly capable of containing a gluteus maximus half as perky as his own.

There is a tearing sound as a seam gives way to the imperative of Hux’s firm arsecheeks, but Hux merely straightens up and limps, airily, towards the locker room door.

Ren is a wet-dream-inducing powerhouse of muscle and evilness.

And Hux is painfully aware that such a specimen would be the last man alive to notice anything untoward occurring in Hux’s trouser department.

Even a tell-tale flash of pink satin panties.

...But Ren does notice. 

But all Hux does is to grunt offensively, hurriedly put on his greatcoat and boots, then leave.

Ren is a little awed at just what a kriffing military badass Hux is. Even his retreats are actually headfucks in disguise.

All Ren wants to do now, thanks to General Asshole Hux, is to corner his co-commander in some shady corridor out there on the Finalizer, and beg him to unbutton that rough, dark, regulation material, giving Ren another taste of all that pale, forbidden skin underneath, and a flash of that tantalizingly teeny scrap of slippery, damp satin, moulding itself around what appears to be Hux’s surprisingly hefty cock.

Kudos, you evil redheaded genius.

And Hux’s signature grunt takes on whole new and hotter slant, thanks to the panties. It echoes in Ren’s body, pinging about like sexy sonar.

If Hux makes that kind of noise to express mild displeasure, what the kriff would he sound like spread out under someone who was really invested in, say, pulling that stretchy fabric to one side and fingering Hux’s hole until he came untouched? 

For example.

Or whatever.


	2. Review Overview Management Caucus

Ren robotically does his thousand press-ups. Uses Hux’s hot water allocation and fancy soap, seeing as Hux didn’t bother. Comes effortlessly and vindictively over Hux’s bewildering selection of loofahs and exfoliating mitts. Showers again in cold water. 

Ren once thought it was cool to have limited experience. With respect to everything. Except how to sulk, and smash shit up.

And it's been getting him by nicely, until he met Hux, who has a knack of showing up this precision skill-set as a _weakness_, which then makes Ren learn New Things. Like Diplomacy. Ju-jitsu. How to use the Finaliser’s mainframe to download high definition porn.

So Ren sits on his bunk and assumes his favourite researching position; naked from the waist down. 

It’s embarrassingly easy to recall the essential parameters of the search; the delicate black lace edging. The cute little ribbony bow riding each of Hux’s dinky little hipbones.

Turns out, though, that the online male lingerie stores are a smorgasbord of crotchless, push-up, corseted delights. Turns out Hux doesn’t just have those panties available to him.

Ren takes a break to go get a washcloth.

Continues doggedly on.

By the time the artificial dawn comes around, Ren is exhausted, but educated.

Like, Hux should really favour seafoam over pink, to complement the colour his eyes might be if they weren’t continually bloodshot and twitching.

And that a stockings-and-garter belt set is really the only way to properly enhance what appears to be Hux’s surprisingly hefty cock. 

Ren puts ice on his wrist and realizes he is now using words like ‘dinky’ and ‘delicate’ in relation to his nemesis.

The sensible antidote for this kind of sickness is clearly to humiliate Hux by ordering him an entire outfit of underwear and having it delivered publicly during one of those meetings Ren is forced to snore through all day.

Because it’s all about the shaming, baby.

And nothing at all to do with a lame fantasy where Ren is Hux’s live-in boyfriend and buys him pretty things to wear when they’re alone and blissfully poking one another senseless.

Ren viciously clicks on the ‘buy’ button and throws the holopad against the nearest bulkhead.

Settles down to rest up. 

For kriff’s sake. Seafoam? What? Boyfriend? As if.

Ren flies off to a planet and breaks some stuff and burns other stuff, until the people who live there decide that maybe they would like Supreme Leader Snoke to rule over them, after all.

Before returning to the Finaliser, Ren parks up his shiny black fighter behind an asteroid, and tilts his pilot’s chair back as far as it will go. Loosens off his waistband.

He’s full of the residual tingle he gets after he’s been out lightsabering all day.

He’s tense. A little headachy.

Usually, Ren’s imagination catches on real quick. Usually, it provides Ren with a short but satisfactory porno, in which he has ruthlessly efficient sex with some completely unrecognisable guy he’s never even seen before in his life, who happens to have slicked-back orange hair and a mean, sexy mouth. 

So, Ren is instantly out of his depth when he shuts his eyes and is met with some misty, soft-focus boudoir scene.

Yes, his brain confirms; boudoir scenes are a thing. 

He’s about to ask for a rewrite when General Hux steps into view.

Ren guesses he’s just showered-he’s in a towel but the tops of his shoulders are pink and his hair is all ruffly and fluffed up and flopping a bit over his eyes, which are clear, and bright.

Ren’s hand snakes back down into his pants.

Somehow Ren can tell Hux smells like Ren’s favourite canteen pudding. The kind that’s creamy, and smells of sugar, and is heavy on the tongue.

Dream Hux goes over to the bed, and the towel drops.

Ren sees Hux’s narrow back. The winged shape of his shoulder blades. And kriff’s sake, his ass is perfect, given the size of Ren’s hands.

Dream Hux bends forward, showing off his dimples, and picks up his gift, which is laid out, all fancy and nice, on the bed.

“Oh Ren,” he says huskily, draping the flimsy lingerie outfit against his chest. “Thank you. So lovely.”

“No. You’re lovely.” Ren finds himself arguing out loud. He cracks an eyelid to check all his comms are off in the cockpit.

Dream Hux proceeds to try on the wispy underwear. He’s a little hard himself, judging by the way he has to wiggle his hips to get his surprisingly hefty cock into the snug silky panties.

He turns around, smoothing across the bulging satin a bit, all fluttering lashes. 

“Hmm. See what your presents do to me? Shall I put the rest on?”

Ren is confused. Not enough to stop stroking, but, what the kriff? How can anyone getting _into_ clothes be arousing?

But, to be fair, judging by the way Ren is now dribbling all over himself, it is.

The stockings get teased up over one smooth calf, then the other. There’s some complicated strapping in, then a peek over a pale shoulder directly at Ren. Dream Hux smiles slyly, invitingly.

Ren is starting to lose it. He can’t help himself. Even the actual hand doing his handjob is turned on.

He manages to make it switch down a gear. Which ironically doesn’t seem to help.

Dream-Hux is gorgeous. Because he is exactly like Real Life Hux, but without being forced into pre-emptive strikes of aggression whenever Ren comes near him.

Ren’s brain gets him to back away from self-realisation at this point by slipping Dream Hux into a camisole.

“Do those buttons up.” Ren tells Dream Hux in a whisper. “Slowly.”

Ren congratulates himself choosing well; all that research paid off. The material is so tight and sheer that Hux’s recently-discovered nipples are visible through the front.

A Good Thing.

Then Dream Hux starts playing with them, wetting his thumb to dampen the fabric across those two little delicious points of pink and Ren becomes nothing more than a panting, sticky mess. He seriously hopes there are some tissues in the glovebox, because then Dream-Hux kneels up on the bed, legs parted to show Ren that’s not the only place he’s gonna get all wet.

“What do you think?” Dream Hux asks, all slutty innocence. 

What Ren thinks is that he’s about to come harder than he’s ever come in his life.

He’s lucky that in space, no one can hear you scream.

And that there are tissues in the glovebox.

(But nowhere near enough.)

Hux was not in the mood for jokes. He was in the middle of his second favorite meeting of the week: the Lieutenants review overview management caucus. It was a meeting to review all other meetings just in case anything was overlooked. It was micromanagement to end all micromanagement. Hux sat furiously pounding on his datapad, compartmentalizing his notes into a spreadsheet that he could view later or not at all. 

“The munitions inventory will be completed by the end of the week,” Officer Thanisson reported.

Hux typed furiously. His silence made it difficult to judge his mood. Was it like, cool? Or like last week with the airlock?

Hux stopped typing and looked up at Thanisson. “The end of the week?”

“Er- Yes. Sir,” Thanisson was in some deep shit. “We have some difficulties-“

“That’s all right,” Hux continued typing. “I’m sure you will get it sorted.”

That was code for “get it done or else.” No one on Thanisson’s team would be sleeping for the next few cycles. 

“Where are the datapad batteries we ordered?” His Lieutenants looked around, frenzied. Who ordered those? Was that even a thing? Where are they???

“This must be them, Sir,” Mitaka retrieved a box from the mail cart. It was always Mitaka’s job to open the General’s mail, but he was about to lose the privilege. He handed Hux the nondescript package. 

Hux tore into the box. Once open he immediately regretted his decision. He checked the name on the front. It was addressed to him? There was an invoice that contained things too lewd to read, even just in his head. 

The General was turning increasingly red and his Lieutenants were starting to panic.

“Sir?” Mitaka grabbed for the box, but Hux snatched it away.

“Is this your idea of a joke?” Hux asked. He looked around the room, imagining they all must be in on it. A grand conspiracy, just like the bullies of his youth.“Do you all have so much time to sit around and plan practical jokes? Do you!!!?”

His officers flinched, writhed in the uncomfortable standard issue wheelie chairs of the conference room.

“Get out of my office while I try to figure out a fitting punishment for this unprecedented level of insubordination!” Hux gestured furiously to the door. His officers wasted no time ducking out. The incident with the airlock was still fresh in the collective memory. 

Among the empty wheelie chairs in disarray in the conference room, the General sunk into his chair to wallow. He was determined to first feel bad for himself and second to pursue vengeance. 

He researched his enemy. He called the underwear company to ask about their exchange policy and found the name of the person who placed the order. They used a fake name but whatever, nothing a little snooping can’t fix. This was what the intelligence budget was for. Hux was ready to go balls deep into the dark web but luckily he found the dedication note inside the package. It was too crude to repeat, (even in fanfiction), and signed “KR”.

That bastard. Of course Kylo kriffing Ren did this. He was in for a rude surprise when he got back. Two could play at this game! 

Hux’s first impulse vis-à-vis revenge was, of course, to gaslight the fuck out of Kylo bloody Ren, driving him insane, until Ren’s erratic behaviour alienates and isolates him and he becomes violent and deluded and….

Realising the gigantic flaw in _that_ plan, Hux decided to just pay some guy from a cantina to rough him up a bit to death.

Hux found an online price list for that sort of thing, and started haggling. 

While he waited for a bunch of Ewok hoodlums to get back to him, he idly hacked Ren’s recent browser history.

Shockingly, high-def holoporn took up most of Ren’s usage. Who knew?

Hux was a gentleman. He would never investigate what kind of perverted rubbish Ren favoured. Mainly because he was scared it wouldn't reveal Ren’s secret craving for hot skinny gingers.

So, he tiptoed around huge sticky splodges of porn data and spied the ‘research’ Ren used to execute his fiendish plan.

And my, had Ren put the hours in! There was cross-referenced lingerie reviews. Articles on the difference between a basque and a bustiere. A bookmarked scratch-n-sniff site. 

Poetry.

Hux did not think Ren had the concentration span for this kind of in-depth work.

Hux’s competency kink sat up and started whining to be let out.

Down boy; Hux gave himself a playful little slap.

Then he saw it. The retailer Ren went with.

It’s made-to-measure, high end slutwear. Ren had even been obliged to obtain a picture of Hux’s naked body (yeah, well, Hux was young and naive and he needed the money, ok?) and download it into the onsite try-before-you-buy algorithm.

Hux saw himself morphed into various ensembles. Wondered if it was the done thing to get an instant hard-on by looking at oneself in a studded bra and fishnets.

Remembered the mirrored ceiling he had above his bunk and that his therapist was constantly telling him that he should love himself more.

So. Hux went with it, but then saw how much Ren actually paid for the package (excluding next-day delivery) and Hux spilt his goddamn rosé. 

Thankfully by this stage he was not wearing his jodhpurs, so there was no real damage. And it was more of a pink champagne really so the bubbles actually kind of added to the whole experience tbh. 

But, the amount of credits Ren spent was...interesting.

It all added up to quite the investment.

Just for a silly prank..?


	3. The General's Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux has an elaborate revenge plan. He will seduce "Kylar Ron", a lowly sanitation worker, to make Kylo Ren jealous. It's all going according to plan, until Kylar Ron shows up. He is like, incredibly handsome?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ronnie is based on Ronnie from The Dead Don't Die. It's Adam Driver with horn rimmed glasses. Look it up. Our boy is thicc

Kylo Ren switches on his saber, glad he stole all those datapad batteries so that it’s fully powered up.

"Well, Mr Kylar Ron", he snarls to himself, and stomps away, "looks like it’s time to take out the trash."

(Meanwhile) 

Kylar Ron was told by his superior officer to leave his shift immediately and report to the upper decks. For some reason he could not understand, he now had access to this random deck he had never been to before. He located his destination and pressed the button, announcing himself through the intercom. 

"Sanitation department," Ronnie spoke into the wall. He adjusted his horn-rimmed glasses on his nose, a nervous habit. 

A tall skinny ginger man opened the door, a glass of champagne (or something like that) in his hand. He looked Ronnie up and down, trying to decide if he liked what he saw. Ronnie was tall with a good body. All those hours working manual labour had kind of paid off. The twinky ginger turned and walked back into his room without even introducing himself. 

"Oh, do you want me to follow you?" Ronnie stumbled inside the room. The lights were down low and there were candles lit. Smooth jazz was playing over the speakers. There was a desk set with two places, like one of those fancy restaurants in holovideos. Ronnie guessed that maybe this guy was about to have dinner?

"Did you call the sanitation department?" Ronnie asked. 

  
He was directed to sit in one of the chairs at the table. "Oh, I can't stay. I have to get back to my shift."

The man sat across from him and poured them both a glass of champagne stuff. 

  
He cheers'd Ronnie. "Do you know who I am?" 

  
Ronnie adjusted his glasses again. "Um, should I? I'm really sorry. Is this- is this about selling on the lower decks? Because I know I got caught a couple times a while back, but it was just a few ounces. I wasn't selling it, it was my personal stash. I like to smoke sometimes after my shift, you know?" 

  
Kriff! Of course this was about that. Someone had found out and now he was being blackmailed- or worse- fired. 

(meanwhile)

Hux deduced that this Neanderthal across from him assumed he was in some kind of trouble. Which was perfect.

Hux needed Mr. Ron to be here to make Kylo Ren jealous. It was all part of the plan. Kylo barges in, sees Hux and Mr. Ron and all the candles. Kylo gets like, so jealous. 

Hux moved one stockinged foot up Ronnie's leg, slowly teasing against him. "Mr. Kylar Ron”. 

"Please, call me Ronnie."

"Ronnie," Hux leaned forward, resting his elbow on the table. This was too too easy. "you haven't touched your rosé."

Ronnie looked to the glass. "I'm on shift. Is this a test?"

Hux moved his foot a little higher up Ronnie's leg, around his thigh. "Thank god you're here. I've got a chute that desperately needs looking after".

Ronnie spread his legs, and Hux moved a foot right up against his crotch. Ronnie was getting a little hard, but nowhere near where he needed him. Hux wanted a spicy tableau for Ren to walk in on. Right now, this was not spicy. 

Hux tricked Ronnie into sitting on the couch so he could give him a back massage. Something to loosen his muscles before he took care of that chute. Poor sweet Ronnie seemed to actually think that he was here to take care of a garbage chute!

Hux undid the knot holding his robe closed, while Ronnie watched. Ronnie white-knuckled the edge of the couch, that bulge in his uniform trousers twitching in response to the silky robe barely covering Hux.

"I need to take my robe off, so I can rub your muscles properly," Hux played with the belt, holding it closed. This act usually worked on guys like this. "Is that okay, Ronnie?" he cooed.

Ronnie shook his head with great enthusiasm. He adjusted his glasses, his First Order sanitation uniform. Hux felt his uniform fetish wake up, then go back to sleep.

"Y-yeah. Whatever's comfortable," Ronnie's cock twitched in his trousers.

Hux let his black silk robe fall to the floor, and gauged Ronnie's reaction as a measure of how good he looked in Ren's lingerie. Ronnie looked for a moment, until his eyes went wide and his mouth opened. He tried to cover by looking away, tapping his feet, blowing into his hands. Hux bathed in the desire radiating off Ronnie. He basked in being able to flaunt himself in front of someone so unworthy. He was totally gonna jerk off to this later.

"Is this okay?" Hux asked. He stepped between Ronnie's knees, presenting himself and denying Ronnie at the same time.

Ronnie's face stared straight into Hux's torso. He disengaged from whatever train of thought he was on when Hux grabbed his hands.

"Do you want to touch me?" Hux asked. He put Ronnie's hands on his hips. "you can do whatever you want".

Ronnie swallowed, hard. 

"Do you- do you...."

"What?" Hux smiled. 

"Do you still need me to inspect the garbage chute?" asked Ronnie. 

It had been a long time, maybe like six days, since Hux had debased himself by stooping to this level of seduction. Where the kriff was Ren?

"No Ronnie," Hux sighed. "There is not really a broken garbage chute."

"Oh, okay," Ronnie nodded. He ran his hands over Hux's hips, squeezing his fingers into the meat of his ass. This would be a perfect time for Ren to walk in the door. But, alas. Ronnie was allowed to mouth-breathe and rub his garbage fingers all over Hux's new lingerie. Ronnie's hips rocked forward on the couch. 

"Do you? Do- you..." Ronnie adjusted his glasses. "Do you want to touch me?" Ronnie spread his knees apart, showing off his trash compactor.

Oh sweet Ronnie.

"Not just yet," Hux lied. "Why don't I give you that back massage?"

Hux really dragged this out. It was the most performative, most sensual, most gymnastic back massage ever performed on a couch. Hux really pulled out all the stops to ensure that any moment Ren chose to bust in would be sure to make him jealous of sweet Ronnie. 

"Do you mind if I smoke?" Ronnie asked afterwards. He produced a j from his front pocket. It was, a mood. 

Hux collapsed back against the couch, sweaty.

This was taking too long. Where the kriff was Kylo Ren? Ronnie passed the j to Hux, who took a small puff. The sanitation guys really had the best stuff. He slowly exhaled and passed it back. 

"This is taking longer than I thought," said Hux to himself. "I may have to check in with my staff. Find him on the surveillance."

Ronnie passed him the joint again. "Do you need me to go?" He already knew the answer. He looked sad, dejected.

"Oh Ronnie," Hux coughed. Being nice was not his strong suit. "there must me something I can do? You have been such a good sport."

Ronnie smiled. "No, I’m not that kind of guy."

“Please,” Hux smiled back. Everyone is that kind of guy. “Really. It's nothing. I can do it while I’m on my datapad."


	4. Tiny Goblins and Sousaphone Solos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think the title covers it.

Kylo Ren stormed woozily back up to the officer sector, occasionally bashing into people, sometimes not even on purpose. He’d spent, like, half a shift searching down in the disposal decks for Mr Kylar Ron, aka the guy who’d stolen Hux’s heart away. 

He corrected himself; obviously a badass knight of Ren doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s actual heart- he told himself that what he meant was that he’d wasted enough time looking for the cock-thief who’d snatched Hux’s gussied-up goodies out from under his nose. 

Well, that didn’t sound exactly right either. Even though he wouldn’t have minded a quick exploratory nuzzle down there amongst all that copper wire.

WTF? 

Ren stopped muttering to himself. Suffice to say he’d been breathing in a heady mixture of trash gases, detergent fumes and top-notch second-hand skunk for quite a while, so best he sort out the slaughtering first, semantics later.

It was how he rolled even when he was just ‘high on life’.

Using the limitless energies of the mysterious Force, he then attempted a cunning bypass on the locks on Hux’s front door. Then when that failed to work, he smashed his way in with the ass end of a passing droid.

Kylo firmly believed in treating robots in exactly the same way as he treated humans. Equality rocks, right? 

Inside, he was greeted by familiar, harsh fluorescent lighting and the racket of a military marching band booming out from the stereo. Hux had reverted back to his normal working environment and was sitting at his desk, studiously reviewing staffing rotas on his datapad, nodding his head along to a rousing First Order medley.

Kylo sighed and thought; plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

But then he noticed that Hux was

a) sucking on a j,

b) dressed head-to-toe in Ren’s specific choice of lingerie. (Hint; he went with the seafoam.)

And c) stroking off a broad-chested, bespectacled guy with his free hand. Maybe even in time with the sousaphone solo a little, the big slutty showoff.

“It was me, not him, General,” Kylo roared, sullenly. “Unhand that cock thief.”

Hux looked up. He was actually bored. Not by the rotas, which were torturously complex for like, eighty thousand staff or whatever, and therefore really hit Hux’s sweet spot, but by the guy he was giving the pity-job to.

Not that dearest Ronnie wasn’t an entirely pleasant handful, and would therefore probably hit Hux’s sweet spot too, but he just wasn’t spiteful or conniving enough for Hux’s tastes. He wouldn’t call Hux ‘bitch’ or ‘space-slut-daddy’ no matter how Hux had ordered him too, and the mouth-breathing kept making Hux think he was jerking off Lord Vader himself. So, all-in-all, no.

“It was you what?” Hux puffed coldly, closing the spreadsheet. Then opening it again just to make Mitaka do four shifts in a row, then closing it again. 

“I mean,” Kylo picked chewing gum and banana peelings from his hair. Fuck no!; not the hair, he wailed internally. And then externally.

The other two waited for the sobbing to subside. “Uh, maybe I wanted to understand and satisfy your deepest desires, huh? After you flashed me those acid pink panties in the gym. Maybe I wanted to buy you a lacy thong or whatever.”

What? Ren stopped. Did he actually admit that or was it the tiny green goblins dancing on Hux’s desk? 

Hux executed his famous ‘anaconda-twist’ manoeuvre all the way up to the tip of Ronnie’s cock; however dull darling Ronnie was, Hux was a pro. 

“You sought to undermine my authority, Ren,” Hux used his loud speech-making voice because Ronnie was getting pretty vocal now. “To humiliate me. By exposing my proclivities.”

“Yeah, obviously I wanted to destroy you, ” Ren whined, realising just how much he did in fact want to expose Hux’s proclivities. Maybe even lick them a little. “But I also want the thong thing. I’m a lot more complex than people think.”

“I don’t know,” Hux paused, tapping his fingers in pretend thought against Ronnie’s glossy, straining cockhead.

Ronnie flinched. But not in a bad way.

Hux saw Kylo’s eyes desperately trying to focus on his only slightly-Ronnie-stained body. He popped a button or two open and heard Ronnie and Kylo groan in unison as a nipple showed.

Cool. 

Hux put lots of clear pictures of all the bad things Kylo had done to him in his mind so that Kylo could read them easily, like a picture book for an illiterate idiot; all the times Kylo squeezed superglue into Hux’s gloves. The literal zero-gravity shitstorm that followed when Kylo put laxatives in Millie’s kibble. When Kylo cancelled Hux’s weekly rosé consignment and Hux no choice but to drink tie-fighter brake fluid instead. The literal shitstorm that followed that.

“Sorry, but Ronnie here wouldn’t treat me roughly, or disrespectfully.” More’s the pity, Hux thought.

“Look. That was all sexual foreplay, like in a romcom holodrama.” Kylo tried to undo more of Hux’s buttons with the Force but his powers were basically lying stoned in the corner of his soul somewhere snacking on Finaliser junkfood.

“You know how those stories go. There’s even a tag for it in fanfic. I’m mean to you. You’re mean to me. Then we bone.”

“Ronnie…” Hux began, primly. Although he had at least one nipple out, so not that primly. 

“Fine.” Kylo was like the rest of us; he wanted to be loved (or at least fucked) for the person he was, playful and psychotic. “I hope you two and the thong I got you will be very happy.”

Then Kylo and Hux did what they did best; glare at one another in a homoerotic way for a long time.

Cuddly Ronnie decided to intervene. Otherwise no more sousaphone solo.

He held up a shaky hand. “Look, it seems to me that there are issues here, fellas…”

Hux remembered he was a pro and started up again.

Ronnie nearly jumped out of his jumpsuit.

“You need to take a step back…starsinheaventhatsgood…” He adjusted both his horn-rims and his balls. “And seriously consider…dotheyteachthatinGeneralschool…uh…mediation…”

“Shut up and come already,” Hux said between gritted teeth.

The lingerie was fabulous but kind of non-existent and the AC was on. He wished Kylo had ordered the matching beanie hat and fluffy bedsocks to go with the bralet and garter belt tbh. 

“Wait,” Kylo listened attentively. To his dick and also to Ronnie. “He’s talking a lot of sense.” 

“You must build trust…omyyouhavelovelysofthands…And open an honest…oohithinkimreadytocallyoudaddynow…dialogue…standbyformetoflushthecompactooorr…”

Ronnie was discovering he liked being masturbated by some guy he didn’t know while another guy he didn’t know said the word ‘thong’ multiple times. It was a new and specific kink. He would look it up as a tag as soon as he possibly could.

“Even the smelly dude here thinks it’s worth a shot,” Kylo pleaded.

Maybe it was the word ‘shot’ this time. Maybe it was the marching band reaching its crescendo. Whatever. Ronnie tried to hold off the end for a couple minutes more by concentrating on his mundane waste disposal job, but when he thought about it all he could imagine was the tight squeezing walls and the warm white streams of foamy soap cascading all over the bare chests of his muscly co-workers, so it really wasn’t much help.

“Please Hux, ” Kylo implored, sidestepping neatly to avoid Ronnie’s very own hot jet of pearly liquid. 

But Hux was busy, already contacting the sanitation department. 

Ronnie’s pager buzzed in his pocket.

Convenient.


	5. Boot-licking and Ballet

“So.” Kylo kind of stood there. Usually he was the one to do the flouncing. Although he called it _striding purposefully_. “Wanna come back to mine for a smoke?”

Ronnie wiped his glasses clean. The guy was kind of gorgeous in a familiar way Ronnie couldn’t put his finger on. He shrugged. Maybe he said ‘thong’ even when his hot ginger husband wasn’t around?

“Sure.” Said Ronnie. It was, he thought, worth a shot. 

The door to Hux's room slammed dramatically. 

"Listen, I don't know who you fellas are," Ronnie tucked himself away with lightning speed and incredible dexterity. A frenzied rush to get out of there. "I didn't mean to get in between whatever it is that you have going on here. It's none of my business."

Kylo watched while Ronnie struggled to find the release for the door. Kylo realized that he was thinking about cutting Ronnie into pieces.

"I just don't want to be put through an airlock," was Ronnie's way of dismissing himself. Being put through an airlock was the least of his worries. Kylo had started to think about cutting off pieces. He already figured out which piece would be first. 

Now it was incumbent upon Kylo to throw himself at the mercy of General Hux. This whole fucked up situation was like, a goddamn Tuesday around here. This was nothing. Hux reeked of pettiness the way teenage boys reeked of axe body spray. And just like axe body spray, less is more but more is also more. You know?

Kylo presented himself before the General, praying that he didn't really smell like garbage. Ready to beg, plead, or whatever. 

"You have some nerve," Hux sat on the edge of the bed. He spread his legs wide, baring his panty-clad crotch, looking up at Kylo. The bastard. 

Kylo dropped to his knees. "Let me make it up to you. I'm so, so sorry," he said in his best affectation of apology.

"Not bad. But I want a real apology.” 

"I'll give you a full body apology right now," said Kylo. "Tell me what I gotta do. Please?"

Hux rocked his hips upward, the bulge in his underwear pressing against the fabric. Kylo swallowed, hard. He took his eyes away from Hux's crotch and saw that Hux was staring at him. Embarrassing...

"Why don't you get those ratty, garbage covered rags off?" Hux scowled. 

If this was all he wanted then fine. Kylo had seriously been ready for some freak shit. Some "kneel down and kiss my boots" shit. He tore his clothes off with the usual wild abandon. Every now and then he would pose and make sure that Hux was paying attention. Yes, that's an eight-pack. Here it is from another angle, etc.

"Happy now?" Kylo resumed his kneeling position, in between Hux's legs. He ran his hands over Hux's stockinged thighs. The stockings were so soft. They kept catching on the callouses of Ren's hands. But it was totally worth it. Hux's thighs were going to feel so soft wrapped around his neck-

Hux swatted Ren's hand out of the way, derailing his thoughts. 

"That's enough of that. Hands and knees". The General was using his serious, commanding tone. The one he used in the meetings. Ren had to fight back his desire to tell him to shove it. To get up on that bed, push the General onto his back and make HIM beg for it-

"Alright! I'm on my hands and knees," Ren growled. 

"Now lick my boots, Lord Ren."

I mean, it's what Ren anticipated. He was mentally prepared for this. Just don't think of those boots walking all around the ship. On the bridge. In dusty conference rooms. Walking on the men's room floor-

Ren sat up. "No, I think I have done enough."

"Is there a problem, Lord Ren?" Hux was teasing at one of his nipples. It was stupid distracting. 

"Yes, I have a formal complaint for the General.” 

"You may proceed," Hux's hand moved downward, stroking over the top of his underwear. 

“General, I have some large equipment and I need a place to dock it. Do you have any suggestions?" Kylo sat back, showing off his mostly hard cock. It was large. Very impressive. Kylo stroked himself, hoping he was getting somewhere with Hux. He was not. 

"Well I'm sorry Lord Kylo but I have no obligation to assist you," Hux slid his hand beneath his underwear in a cruel display of not giving a fuck. 

"Come on! Please!" Kylo pouted. "This is not fair!"

"Life isn't fair.”

Kylo pouted, and pouted, and then threw himself between Hux's legs. 

"Please, Hux," Kylo nuzzled into Hux’s crotch. Hux had been busy underneath those panties but took his hand away so Kylo could talk to his junk directly. His hot breath ghosted over the bulge beneath the fabric."Hux, I need this.”

Hux put his hand through Kylo's hair, enthralled for just a moment before pushing him off. 

Kylo sat back again, fully hard now. He stroked into his palm a few times.

"Look what you do to me," Kylo growled. "I need you.” A bead of precum glistened at the tip. Ren rolled his thumb through it and pulled away, leaving a slick string between his finger and the head of his cock. 

"And I need these boots cleaned," Hux adjusted himself. Kylo realized then that he brought a knife to a gun fight. He was ready to fake apologize but Hux was ready to real torment him. 

And so Kylo Ren got down on all fours, right before the Generals' boots. He looked up at Hux and tried to think about getting inside him. 

But it was all a headfuck. 

“Never mind.” Hux got himself on top of Ren and made a fancy show of basically slurping down Ren’s dick. 

“I have no gag reflex btw,” Hux mentioned, like it was nothing. “It’s a genetic condition.”

“Oh. That is so terrible.” Ren tried unsuccessfully to look concerned. “I am so sorry….. KRIFF!!”

Hux had just demonstrated his abnormality. 

Ren had meditated a lot and had never known the tru meaning of inner peace before.

“Ngg.” Hux said, pulling his head all the way up then swallowing Ren all the way back down a couple times. Ren clung to the throw cushions for dear life. Hux was so graceful, he made gobbling cock look like ballet.

“As well as gymnastics, I also do ballet,” Hux informed Ren.

Well, he actually went; “Agellasjimialzodoblt.” You know, because of Ren’s cock being down his throat and all, but don’t forget, Ren has the Force or whatever, right? 

“So I guess you’re pretty flexible,” Ren articulated in an attempt to stave off the countdown towards lift-off. 

In answer, Hux tickled Ren’s balls with both of his big toes at once. YES REALLY.

Ren tried (not that hard) to prevent drowning Hux with a tidal wave of come. This was mainly because he didn’t think he could spell seminalasphyxiation in the Accident Book, but it was no good. If there was one kink Ren had never thought he’d see satisfied, it was Double Testicular Toe Stimulation (take that Ao3 tag wranglers).

So, BOOM.

“MMmmmmm, so tasty.” Hux smacked his lips as he pulled off Ren. “Better than Tie fighter brake fluid. Maybe it’s your high midi-chlorian concentration???” Hux pondered, running his pink tongue out to catch a few errant pearls of delight. “I heard a rumour once that Luke Skywalker tasted like Mountain Dew.”  
So, ok.

Ren had nothing to say to that. He felt entirely dehydrated. Sucked to dust. He was going to have to moisturize heavily over the next three to four cycles, otherwise he’d start looking like some old English actor in a third-rate science fiction movie.

Hux shimmied over and indicated that Ren should open his mouth.

Like, really wide. We all know why by now.

“Thanks, it’s fine,” Ren panted. “I’m in the First Order dental plan-I had a check-up only last week.”

“No, you stupid oaf,” Hux said lovingly, “while you are lying there doing nothing, now it’s Daddy’s turn to make the rocketship go BOOM.”

“Oh, ok.” Ren let Hux shimmy some more. “But I do have an insanely short refractory period btw?” He mentioned, like it was nothing. “It’s a genetic condition.”

“Oh. That is so terrible.” Hux half-heartedly tried not to look like he’d just fallen head-over-heels in love and did a u-turn on the bed. “I am so sorry…... KRIFF!!”

He had just reversed into Ren’s abnormality.

“Remarkable. Well, I’ll just prep for the main course then, shall I?”

Ren watched a short F O propaganda film while Hux did the thing. 

“Ah,” Hux said once he’d got all of Ren in. “It’s at moments like these I wonder why we aren’t better colleagues.”

Ren nodded and fondled Hux in time with the way Hux balletically bounced on his dick.

“Yeah. We should really circle back and touch base moving forward.”

(He’d paid attention to the promo vid. Brainwashing was soooo relaxing.)


	6. You can Leave the Fur On.

Then Mitaka came in. He had been given new orders to deliver any suspicious sex parcels to General Hux personally. So that’s what he was doing. Even if it meant infiltrating Hux’s private quarters.

He wasn’t the only one, because from what he could see Kylo Ren was also infiltrating Hux’s private quarters. Maybe it was a ship-wide order??

General Hux went “Yee Haw” and Mitaka was glad he was sedated up to the eyeballs. He passively held out the package.

Stylishly, Hux finished riding the bull and dismounted.

Mitaka applauded politely; nothin’ wrong with a rodeo.

“Well,” said Hux. He wasn’t even out of breath. What an athlete. 

Mitaka stood at full attention in every sense. “Sir.”

“Lieutenant”.

Mitaka just stood there. His eyes were red and watery from the sedatives. From the lack of sleep. From everything. His two commanding officers were doing things you can’t even find on the First Order holonet. Why was the General wearing a thong?

Mitaka had never considered who might top between his two co-commanders, but now it consumed him. He would have guessed the General for a top on account of his surprisingly hefty cock. Even half hard it was something. So pink and perfect.

The knight of Ren, enforcer of the First Order, gripped his wet dick by it’s base. It was a pretty dick, too. Considering who it was attached to.

“Oh, you’re still here?” Hux asked. “Dismissed, Lieutenant.”

Although the Lieutenant was a big fan of the rodeo, this was a show he did not have a ticket for. The arena is for professionals and clowns only. 

“Hux,” Kylo said.

Hux set the unopened box next to the bed. 

Kylo opened the lube and generously reapplied to himself. His hands rubbed the slippery liquid down his cock. It was wretched. 

“General.” 

Hux straddled Kylo on the bed. He attempted to take his time teasing this particular bronco, but the bronco was over foreplay. This pony just wanted to buck.

Kylo flipped Hux onto his back. He pinned the General’s knees to his chest. Kylo pushed the full weight of his hips down, thrusting inside Hux. 

The Generals breath left his body. Kylo did it again. Hux closed his eyes. He felt Kylo’s dick in the back of his throat (not really). 

Kylo pushed his weight down. He gripped Hux’s legs for support.

“I can barely breathe,” said Hux.

Sweat dropped off of Kylo’s forehead. His hips pumped wildly. Then Kylo squeaked. The squeak got louder. A moan. His hips broke pace and Kylo fell forward. 

“Oh stars, kriffing stars! Oh! Oh!” Kylo moaned.

“Oh?”

“Oh! Auhhhhggg! AAAH!” 

Hux opened his eyes so he could watch Kylo come. Or explode. Whatever, you know?

Now, Kylo wanted nothing more than to spray Hux with his come. In his dreams he was like some hip, sexy graffiti artist, maybe wearing a beret or with an earring or shit like that?, tagging one of the many lifesize statues of the ‘Best General Eva’ that were always popping up in town squares and shopping malls on every planet the F O conquered. Most of these Hux statues were anatomically correct, standing or reclining nudes. 

Or so Kylo had heard. Not that he’d, you know, ‘practised’ on any of them. Ever. Or accidentally ‘fallen’ against some of them. Without any pants on. Ever.

Because that would be weird, right? 

And at last, when he actually had the real thing there in front of him and his cock, he wanted to really let loose, shake his can and depress the nozzle, you know? Maybe even sign his full title all over Hux’s pert little ass in wild, sticky cursive. Do a little heart instead of the ‘O’.

But Kylo had a secret.

Well, he had lots, like his real real name was actually Benji, but this was one potentially a Big Deal.

“Don’t look when I come! Don’t look!” He screamed, unaware of the principles of reverse psychology.

“Why the kriff not?” Hux barked back, ever so slightly annoyed that he no longer had Kylo’s D in his A. “I’ve already had a bellyful of your jolly juice. What could possibly happen that would surprise me at this stage?”

Kylo geysered out a spurt of come. Electric blue neon coloured come.

“Oh?” said Hux. His hand faltered on his own dick. Only for one second, but it goes to show he was stunned.

It kept, literally, coming.

Sparkling in Hux’s hair. Glowing across his manly (haha) chest. Dripping blue on the signed holosnaps of mouldy old warmongers and boyband pop singers Hux had on his shelves and mantel.

Kylo hung his head in despair. Came a bit more. Sobbed. Came just a little more. Wiped his sex-and-shame tears away. One more lonely little drop. All done now, Kylo? Nearly. There. Wow. 

“I can’t help it. It’s a Force thing.”

“Right. So..?”

“It’s known to happen to really amazing Force users. Like me.” Kylo managed to pout. “Because I am an amazing Force user. Aren’t I?”

“Yes, dear.” Hux patted Kylo’s bony, come-spattered knee.

“But it only happens when I’m deeply in love, or when there are Orcs nearby.”

“Orcs?”

“Never mind. Different fandom.”

“Right. So..?”

“I’m in love with you.” Kylo blurted out.

It was the romance of the century. Or the week. Who knew what was round the corner? We all thought Jabba and Admiral Akbar getting together was pretty neat back in the day.

“Hold that lovely sentiment one moment while I finish.” Hux revved up from first to third gear. (Or whatever. I can’t drive and have no interest whatsoever in researching the appropriate motoring terminology.)

Hux’s wrist was tired and he cranked up a coy expression.

“Let me, beloved.” Kylo pounced eagerly, a big soppy smile over his teary face. Hux nodded and put the FO propaganda channel on the tv, and lit a cigar.

This could be a sweet arrangement.

“Show me the love, Kylo.” Hux croaked out, in what he imagined was a sugary voice.

Kylo showed Hux the love. And how much heft he could handle. When Hux came over Ren’s lips and cheeks,  
it was drab in comparison. Just bland old come. Hux didn’t give a crap. Love made Kylo try extra hard to  
please. Because essentially that’s what love is.

As orgasms go, it had been something worth writing home to Mother about.

Hux puffed out some smoke in satisfaction and allowed Kylo to clean him up with his love tongue. Kylo was all nuzzly and soft-eyed. He got Hux a tankard of rosé. Massaged his pointy little shoulders. Contacted Ronnie about some weed and some high strength cleaning fluid, because he had to clean up his secret himself.

The stuff oozed down the walls still. Hux looked up.

“Just one last thing before you go and fetch me my Ewok steak, er, Darling. How is it the wrong colour?”

Kylo froze. “Uh…”

“Because if you were the big bad Dark Side destroyer you claim to be, shouldn’t all this mess be…bright kriffing red?”

Kylo fell to his knees in horrified guilt. Hux foresaw more ‘love’ aka mind-blowing fucking and much less backchat. 

“Pale blue is a…Jedi colour, is it not?”

“I can explain…”

Hux stretched out on the sofa or bed or whatever.

“I’m sure you can, light of my life,” he purred, closing his eyes in evil bliss. “And by the way, I like my Ewok meat rare, and with the fur left on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. That's it. Unless we start wondering what was in the parcel Mitaka delivered?

**Author's Note:**

> Find us on tumblr! we met each other through ao3 so we will talk to you  
iambackgarbageblog.tumblr.com  
zigzag-wanderer.tumblr.com


End file.
